its new year eve!!

great its new year eve...!!!!
i was positive in the morning...
but now hmmm
my sis just got back... n she quarrel with my dad on the way...
dad left for work...
it seem my dad scolded my sis in front of her friends... well i hv went through that.. i would just cry n then be angry n keep quite the whole day...

but my sis is diffrent.. she is actually planning with my mom to later make my dad's day miserable... hmmm
dad is going to uncle's place for new year's eve party...to get drunk...

mom also not happy with dad going there... but come on lah...
my mom should be calming her not aggravating  it all.. hmmm

i dont know wht's going to happen... i just want a nice new year's eve...  so the new year can start off well...

but let me tell u a secret.... even with all of this.. even if later my sis n dad do quarrel .. they will be ok... very ok... i hv seen that happen many times... its always me... i once didnt talk to my dad 3 days... in the end i cave in.. couldnt take it... (arghhh my crying... hmmm crying on new year's eve)

hmmm i hope this new year comes fast... but let it bring joy n calmness for me n my family!!!

the new year

yes... i am hoping new year comes fast..
i want this year to be gone...
2010
oh wht a year!!!!
it started off great... i fell in love... now well i think i fell into my greastest pit hole... in my lives history...
i like to remember stuff... to hold on to events or anything meaning full in my life...
yet this year i dont... i want ti all gone...
i got hurt n the wound doesnt heal...
it just gets bigger n bigger
i think i am doing it to myself...
hurting myself on purpose... not letting myself to be happy... i dwell on my sorrows again n again...
well a few days ago i made out with his guy R..
it was awesome... it was my first time... i loved everything about it...


but he is just a friend... he.. well lets say is a playboy... lol
but he was nice... we did it all on my pace... i agree to it all... n i am not sad about that...
but disturbing me is that i am getting attached to him..
we agreed on this in the first place... no falling in love... we r just 2 ppl had our hearts broken n now dont believe in love... so we r just out to hv fun...
he has other girlfriends... so he gets his hmmm lets say dose... often lol....
sometimes i think he is just doing me a favor... letting my experience it for once...

he kept on saying to me... u dont fall in love with me if i hug u so tight... he said it twice... i was like... plz lah...
wht if u fall in love with me... lol
that got him quite... lol
well today he is busy with one of his gals...

i wish i could just let go off all... n start fresh,,,,
i am reading this book a hopless romantic...by harriet evans

i can relate to laura... she got dump by this guy who has a gf while he was hving sleepping with her.. he promise he will break up with the gf but didnt when the gf got pregnant...
laura lost it all her job...friends... until she went off with her parents n garandmom on a trip...
it was she escaping...
after my break up... i lost it all too... well not my job... but i didnt do it as i was doing it b4.. i was good at my job...
but in stories.. well there is always a happy ending...
she goes on this trip.. promising herself never to fall easily for any guy.. (well i am doing that now.. i just dont want to do anythign with love now)  but she does... with a marquis- a very rich guy.. she spends time with him...falls in love.. but realizes that it will never work... n leaves him... i understand her.. she was hurt n doesnt want to be hurt again... but she is throwing away something beaituful..
i hvnt finish reading yet...but i am sure they will be together..

she is wants to run away from it .. she comes back home.. get back her job... n is determine to make her life work alone..
i want to be able to do that... to live life... to just continue it.. not hoping for love to come... well let love happen when it does...
but i dont...
i get up in the morning... thinking wht will happen to do.. is it today.. will i find love today...
this is so pathetic...
i need to pull myself together n let myself free..

by the way i am so into horoscope... i kind of life my life on it...
http://www.indastro.com/horoscope/today-leo-zone3.html

well it sound that i will be positive n will focus on work... i am doing it right?
just read my post today lol
well i hope in this last year of the year... i start building the foundation for a better year...
so am off to start my new beginning...
i hope you would too(who ever is reading lol)

problems...

feel bad for my mom...
happines never last for her...

my dad was going to inherit some money from my grandmom.... all was running well.... my mom was happy she thought she cold keep the money as saving for both of them since they didnt save any n spent whtever they had on us...
but now all of sudden my dad's sisters are wanting share.... my mom is angry... n sad...
she took care of my grandmom when she had colon cancer.... my mom had to deal with grandmom's shit....
n my mom wasnt treated well in the beginning of her marriage.... the normal mother n daughter in law problem....

i feel sad for her... she helps ppl a lot...
she would cook... treat them well when they come.... but now they r just taking advantage of her...
i know the money should be shared.... but wht my mom went through is also a lot.... i know she was hoping something in return... yet she did all she could.... she did all those favors full heart...

but now this...
i know this will just cause more trouble.... lets just see wht happen... :(

why? why?

why do i keep on hoping something good will happen?
why hv i given up hope on life...?

i hv no mood to mingle with others.... i just want to be lost....
or just spend time with my friends....people who understand me...
it so hard to be able to mingle with my family... i feel like an outsider...

i feel that they look down on me....
its like i dont know how to do anything... like i cant be counted to do anything...
am i that bad.... is it really... that i am useless?

i dont know...
my cousin's wedding is tomorrow...
i dont know if i am jealous.... i see her... i want a relationship.... i want a companion
someone that i can say is mine...
but i dont know when that is going to happen...

all of this had made me grumpy person...
kids i am ok with... i think
but adults make me so annoyed... i just want to stay far from them... is that mad...?

even now... i just want them all gone...
and tomorrow i just want to go invisible... cause tomorrow if i dont do anything up to their standard... am sure they will just look down on me....

am watching tv....
the joker in the movie... says... do anything... ride a bicylec... eat anything... but dear young girls and young boys never fall in love....cause i guaranty you will get ur heart broken...

i got mine broken... n now i cant seem to get to set right...

am tired am tired!!!!
when will my new heart come?

werid

i just wrote an entry about not wanting love.... so i went blog hopping... n the blogs that appeared were family blogs... hmmmmm wht sign is this...?

i am missing him

today its weird... i am missing him... the person who broke my heart..
i dont want to remember the date but i do.. do i want to remember this for the rest of my life...?
on 26 nov 2009 it all started.... n it ended in feb 2010 just a few months...

i miss him... but why should i miss him...
the last time he meet me he wore a striking green t-shirt... well the last date with him.. now i think back he didnt even bother to dress up to meet me... (the previous day he meet his ex... now his wife)
arghhh
it so painful to know that i was nothing to him...
i loved him.. i was attached to him... i shared everything... thinking he is the one... but no he wasn't
n that pain is so painful... i cried just now while bathing... remembering this... i had to stop myself cause it not worth it he is a married man... n he had no feelings for me...

now i ask myself... why do i need this...?
why do i keep on hoping that someone will come n mend my broken heart...?
tell me that i am worth it..
tell me that i can be loved...
tell me that i am pretty...

i feel so lost... i dont like this.. i want it gone... i want this hope gone..i dont want to hope for someone...
someone who is going to hurt me again!!!!

let's hope this hope i have never comes...

my peace of mind

i met this guy on sex forum...
yes i am a member of a sex forum...
its fun!!!
i learnt a lot... met nice ppl... some treat u as human... as for who u r...

well back to this guy...
i met him in the live chat... i was there trying to act as if i know more about sex... he ( i think) figure out i was a new comer... so i told him he should hv fun with others cause i will be wasting his time... but nope he didnt leave
he even gave me his hotmail email add... so from there it started.. he become my prof n i his student...
we basically chat everyday... i told him a lot about myself... i become attach to him.... well being my prof i did learnt from him n we got to try certain "subject" i was having fun..!

but it all had to end.. i was getting attached to him... he met someone online..(history repeats even my ex when back to his ex when he was with me - thats another entry) then he was busy with his studies...

so i felt left out... i asked him.... then we quarrel... he said he spends the 2nd most time with me... lol...

this was enough for me to know i was demanding so much from a stranger...
so the only why out was that i let go... as a friend...

so no more sex forum no more him...
but i feel sad... i miss him today a lot.. i do drop in the forum.. hoping he will say something... but nope...
guess he is happy in his life... n i was nobody...
like i was for my ex.... nobody... just a replacement...(ouch these words bring back bad memories, painful memories)

then i think to myself... if he is happy.. then why the hell i am being sad...
why i'm thinking of him if he is not...
why 'm i hoping he will contact me when obviously he is not
why am i hoping...?
why?
why?
but i did learnt a lot from him.... but sad i had to let go...
i dont know wht else i hv to let go...?

so when will my peace of mind come...? hope it comes fast....

they are kids

They are kids... for crying out loud... kids... aged 17 n below....


is this the way to talk to kids?
they have feelings?
they have memories? why treat them such way?
why do you have to talk that way...?
they are kids...? why treat them as adults? they wont get your hints, but they will take it personally

is sarcastic the way to talk to kids?
is making them low the way?
"u cant read that's why you are not reading the newspaper..?"

is that the way?
why doing this...?

its so painful to see
i cant do anything cause if i speak out i become the bad one.. going against the system...

all i can do is do it my way...
when i talk to these kids i can only treat them as kids..
when i do something for them i can only treat them as kids...
i just hope what i do is good enough...

i am an orphan..

(ok i know i sound  ungrateful, but this is what i feel n this feeling i have had since i can remember, maybe i am using this feeling to hind my true emotions... i never know)

ok since i can remember i wish my parents would tell me for my 21st birthday that i was an orphan...
it would start of with me reveiving presents.. n i will be dress in pink...

then they will tell me that i am an orphan.. they wont cry... i too wont cry... i will just thanks them for what they have done for me n move out the house... to my own apartment alone..

and i would sent them monthly money like a way to show my gratitude and visit them often...

i even drew out the plan of my apartment
bedroom
small kitchen cause i know i wont be cooking much
a space that i will keep my books in shelves neatly arrange in alphabetic order..
living room with a huge tv cosy couch... a carpet with pillow that i can just use to sleep on while watching tv...
an even a spare room like a guest room
n the apartment building must have a swimming pool where i can learn swimming...

see i had it all figured out... but 21 came n nothing happen... soon i realise i was not an orphan...
then it all changed when i was 24 i out posted to a new town 2 hours flight n 2 hours drive from my home... i did move into a house.. a room of my own with 2 housemates... i realise i cant stay alone.. i go crazy.. the silents kills me.. i then realise i missed home... i would want to come back ever holidays...

but ever time i come back i long to go back... weird well yes i do.. now i am 26... n this feeling has always been there when ever i go n come..

so now i am back in my home... n having the feeling of wanting to go back...
i dont know my family.. sometimes i feel they like it if i am not around... they prefer that way...
sometimes i think i am the problems. i judge them to fast... but then again.. it happens again n again n i have the feeling again n again that i am an orphan....

so now i think i need to do something about it... i should know how my family feels for me.. i am there in the family.. n when i am needed i will be there for them but for now i just need to be in my own world... i will hurt them more if i try to approach them

oh i hv tired... it never work... u say talk to them... bad bad idea.. it will just back fire on me... been there tried that n it failed badly...

so i just need to be a stranger in my family...