i am an orphan..

(ok i know i sound  ungrateful, but this is what i feel n this feeling i have had since i can remember, maybe i am using this feeling to hind my true emotions... i never know)

ok since i can remember i wish my parents would tell me for my 21st birthday that i was an orphan...
it would start of with me reveiving presents.. n i will be dress in pink...

then they will tell me that i am an orphan.. they wont cry... i too wont cry... i will just thanks them for what they have done for me n move out the house... to my own apartment alone..

and i would sent them monthly money like a way to show my gratitude and visit them often...

i even drew out the plan of my apartment
bedroom
small kitchen cause i know i wont be cooking much
a space that i will keep my books in shelves neatly arrange in alphabetic order..
living room with a huge tv cosy couch... a carpet with pillow that i can just use to sleep on while watching tv...
an even a spare room like a guest room
n the apartment building must have a swimming pool where i can learn swimming...

see i had it all figured out... but 21 came n nothing happen... soon i realise i was not an orphan...
then it all changed when i was 24 i out posted to a new town 2 hours flight n 2 hours drive from my home... i did move into a house.. a room of my own with 2 housemates... i realise i cant stay alone.. i go crazy.. the silents kills me.. i then realise i missed home... i would want to come back ever holidays...

but ever time i come back i long to go back... weird well yes i do.. now i am 26... n this feeling has always been there when ever i go n come..

so now i am back in my home... n having the feeling of wanting to go back...
i dont know my family.. sometimes i feel they like it if i am not around... they prefer that way...
sometimes i think i am the problems. i judge them to fast... but then again.. it happens again n again n i have the feeling again n again that i am an orphan....

so now i think i need to do something about it... i should know how my family feels for me.. i am there in the family.. n when i am needed i will be there for them but for now i just need to be in my own world... i will hurt them more if i try to approach them

oh i hv tired... it never work... u say talk to them... bad bad idea.. it will just back fire on me... been there tried that n it failed badly...

so i just need to be a stranger in my family...