its new year eve!!

great its new year eve...!!!!
i was positive in the morning...
but now hmmm
my sis just got back... n she quarrel with my dad on the way...
dad left for work...
it seem my dad scolded my sis in front of her friends... well i hv went through that.. i would just cry n then be angry n keep quite the whole day...

but my sis is diffrent.. she is actually planning with my mom to later make my dad's day miserable... hmmm
dad is going to uncle's place for new year's eve party...to get drunk...

mom also not happy with dad going there... but come on lah...
my mom should be calming her not aggravating  it all.. hmmm

i dont know wht's going to happen... i just want a nice new year's eve...  so the new year can start off well...

but let me tell u a secret.... even with all of this.. even if later my sis n dad do quarrel .. they will be ok... very ok... i hv seen that happen many times... its always me... i once didnt talk to my dad 3 days... in the end i cave in.. couldnt take it... (arghhh my crying... hmmm crying on new year's eve)

hmmm i hope this new year comes fast... but let it bring joy n calmness for me n my family!!!

the new year

yes... i am hoping new year comes fast..
i want this year to be gone...
2010
oh wht a year!!!!
it started off great... i fell in love... now well i think i fell into my greastest pit hole... in my lives history...
i like to remember stuff... to hold on to events or anything meaning full in my life...
yet this year i dont... i want ti all gone...
i got hurt n the wound doesnt heal...
it just gets bigger n bigger
i think i am doing it to myself...
hurting myself on purpose... not letting myself to be happy... i dwell on my sorrows again n again...
well a few days ago i made out with his guy R..
it was awesome... it was my first time... i loved everything about it...


but he is just a friend... he.. well lets say is a playboy... lol
but he was nice... we did it all on my pace... i agree to it all... n i am not sad about that...
but disturbing me is that i am getting attached to him..
we agreed on this in the first place... no falling in love... we r just 2 ppl had our hearts broken n now dont believe in love... so we r just out to hv fun...
he has other girlfriends... so he gets his hmmm lets say dose... often lol....
sometimes i think he is just doing me a favor... letting my experience it for once...

he kept on saying to me... u dont fall in love with me if i hug u so tight... he said it twice... i was like... plz lah...
wht if u fall in love with me... lol
that got him quite... lol
well today he is busy with one of his gals...

i wish i could just let go off all... n start fresh,,,,
i am reading this book a hopless romantic...by harriet evans

i can relate to laura... she got dump by this guy who has a gf while he was hving sleepping with her.. he promise he will break up with the gf but didnt when the gf got pregnant...
laura lost it all her job...friends... until she went off with her parents n garandmom on a trip...
it was she escaping...
after my break up... i lost it all too... well not my job... but i didnt do it as i was doing it b4.. i was good at my job...
but in stories.. well there is always a happy ending...
she goes on this trip.. promising herself never to fall easily for any guy.. (well i am doing that now.. i just dont want to do anythign with love now)  but she does... with a marquis- a very rich guy.. she spends time with him...falls in love.. but realizes that it will never work... n leaves him... i understand her.. she was hurt n doesnt want to be hurt again... but she is throwing away something beaituful..
i hvnt finish reading yet...but i am sure they will be together..

she is wants to run away from it .. she comes back home.. get back her job... n is determine to make her life work alone..
i want to be able to do that... to live life... to just continue it.. not hoping for love to come... well let love happen when it does...
but i dont...
i get up in the morning... thinking wht will happen to do.. is it today.. will i find love today...
this is so pathetic...
i need to pull myself together n let myself free..

by the way i am so into horoscope... i kind of life my life on it...
http://www.indastro.com/horoscope/today-leo-zone3.html

well it sound that i will be positive n will focus on work... i am doing it right?
just read my post today lol
well i hope in this last year of the year... i start building the foundation for a better year...
so am off to start my new beginning...
i hope you would too(who ever is reading lol)

problems...

feel bad for my mom...
happines never last for her...

my dad was going to inherit some money from my grandmom.... all was running well.... my mom was happy she thought she cold keep the money as saving for both of them since they didnt save any n spent whtever they had on us...
but now all of sudden my dad's sisters are wanting share.... my mom is angry... n sad...
she took care of my grandmom when she had colon cancer.... my mom had to deal with grandmom's shit....
n my mom wasnt treated well in the beginning of her marriage.... the normal mother n daughter in law problem....

i feel sad for her... she helps ppl a lot...
she would cook... treat them well when they come.... but now they r just taking advantage of her...
i know the money should be shared.... but wht my mom went through is also a lot.... i know she was hoping something in return... yet she did all she could.... she did all those favors full heart...

but now this...
i know this will just cause more trouble.... lets just see wht happen... :(

why? why?

why do i keep on hoping something good will happen?
why hv i given up hope on life...?

i hv no mood to mingle with others.... i just want to be lost....
or just spend time with my friends....people who understand me...
it so hard to be able to mingle with my family... i feel like an outsider...

i feel that they look down on me....
its like i dont know how to do anything... like i cant be counted to do anything...
am i that bad.... is it really... that i am useless?

i dont know...
my cousin's wedding is tomorrow...
i dont know if i am jealous.... i see her... i want a relationship.... i want a companion
someone that i can say is mine...
but i dont know when that is going to happen...

all of this had made me grumpy person...
kids i am ok with... i think
but adults make me so annoyed... i just want to stay far from them... is that mad...?

even now... i just want them all gone...
and tomorrow i just want to go invisible... cause tomorrow if i dont do anything up to their standard... am sure they will just look down on me....

am watching tv....
the joker in the movie... says... do anything... ride a bicylec... eat anything... but dear young girls and young boys never fall in love....cause i guaranty you will get ur heart broken...

i got mine broken... n now i cant seem to get to set right...

am tired am tired!!!!
when will my new heart come?