werid

i just wrote an entry about not wanting love.... so i went blog hopping... n the blogs that appeared were family blogs... hmmmmm wht sign is this...?

i am missing him

today its weird... i am missing him... the person who broke my heart..
i dont want to remember the date but i do.. do i want to remember this for the rest of my life...?
on 26 nov 2009 it all started.... n it ended in feb 2010 just a few months...

i miss him... but why should i miss him...
the last time he meet me he wore a striking green t-shirt... well the last date with him.. now i think back he didnt even bother to dress up to meet me... (the previous day he meet his ex... now his wife)
arghhh
it so painful to know that i was nothing to him...
i loved him.. i was attached to him... i shared everything... thinking he is the one... but no he wasn't
n that pain is so painful... i cried just now while bathing... remembering this... i had to stop myself cause it not worth it he is a married man... n he had no feelings for me...

now i ask myself... why do i need this...?
why do i keep on hoping that someone will come n mend my broken heart...?
tell me that i am worth it..
tell me that i can be loved...
tell me that i am pretty...

i feel so lost... i dont like this.. i want it gone... i want this hope gone..i dont want to hope for someone...
someone who is going to hurt me again!!!!

let's hope this hope i have never comes...

my peace of mind

i met this guy on sex forum...
yes i am a member of a sex forum...
its fun!!!
i learnt a lot... met nice ppl... some treat u as human... as for who u r...

well back to this guy...
i met him in the live chat... i was there trying to act as if i know more about sex... he ( i think) figure out i was a new comer... so i told him he should hv fun with others cause i will be wasting his time... but nope he didnt leave
he even gave me his hotmail email add... so from there it started.. he become my prof n i his student...
we basically chat everyday... i told him a lot about myself... i become attach to him.... well being my prof i did learnt from him n we got to try certain "subject" i was having fun..!

but it all had to end.. i was getting attached to him... he met someone online..(history repeats even my ex when back to his ex when he was with me - thats another entry) then he was busy with his studies...

so i felt left out... i asked him.... then we quarrel... he said he spends the 2nd most time with me... lol...

this was enough for me to know i was demanding so much from a stranger...
so the only why out was that i let go... as a friend...

so no more sex forum no more him...
but i feel sad... i miss him today a lot.. i do drop in the forum.. hoping he will say something... but nope...
guess he is happy in his life... n i was nobody...
like i was for my ex.... nobody... just a replacement...(ouch these words bring back bad memories, painful memories)

then i think to myself... if he is happy.. then why the hell i am being sad...
why i'm thinking of him if he is not...
why 'm i hoping he will contact me when obviously he is not
why am i hoping...?
why?
why?
but i did learnt a lot from him.... but sad i had to let go...
i dont know wht else i hv to let go...?

so when will my peace of mind come...? hope it comes fast....

they are kids

They are kids... for crying out loud... kids... aged 17 n below....


is this the way to talk to kids?
they have feelings?
they have memories? why treat them such way?
why do you have to talk that way...?
they are kids...? why treat them as adults? they wont get your hints, but they will take it personally

is sarcastic the way to talk to kids?
is making them low the way?
"u cant read that's why you are not reading the newspaper..?"

is that the way?
why doing this...?

its so painful to see
i cant do anything cause if i speak out i become the bad one.. going against the system...

all i can do is do it my way...
when i talk to these kids i can only treat them as kids..
when i do something for them i can only treat them as kids...
i just hope what i do is good enough...

i am an orphan..

(ok i know i sound  ungrateful, but this is what i feel n this feeling i have had since i can remember, maybe i am using this feeling to hind my true emotions... i never know)

ok since i can remember i wish my parents would tell me for my 21st birthday that i was an orphan...
it would start of with me reveiving presents.. n i will be dress in pink...

then they will tell me that i am an orphan.. they wont cry... i too wont cry... i will just thanks them for what they have done for me n move out the house... to my own apartment alone..

and i would sent them monthly money like a way to show my gratitude and visit them often...

i even drew out the plan of my apartment
bedroom
small kitchen cause i know i wont be cooking much
a space that i will keep my books in shelves neatly arrange in alphabetic order..
living room with a huge tv cosy couch... a carpet with pillow that i can just use to sleep on while watching tv...
an even a spare room like a guest room
n the apartment building must have a swimming pool where i can learn swimming...

see i had it all figured out... but 21 came n nothing happen... soon i realise i was not an orphan...
then it all changed when i was 24 i out posted to a new town 2 hours flight n 2 hours drive from my home... i did move into a house.. a room of my own with 2 housemates... i realise i cant stay alone.. i go crazy.. the silents kills me.. i then realise i missed home... i would want to come back ever holidays...

but ever time i come back i long to go back... weird well yes i do.. now i am 26... n this feeling has always been there when ever i go n come..

so now i am back in my home... n having the feeling of wanting to go back...
i dont know my family.. sometimes i feel they like it if i am not around... they prefer that way...
sometimes i think i am the problems. i judge them to fast... but then again.. it happens again n again n i have the feeling again n again that i am an orphan....

so now i think i need to do something about it... i should know how my family feels for me.. i am there in the family.. n when i am needed i will be there for them but for now i just need to be in my own world... i will hurt them more if i try to approach them

oh i hv tired... it never work... u say talk to them... bad bad idea.. it will just back fire on me... been there tried that n it failed badly...

so i just need to be a stranger in my family...