why do i fall in love easily?

yes its happening again... i think i am falling again...

i met this guy... well lets say we hv thins weird relationship...its more of no string attach kind of thing...

so i know he is a flirt... but yet i felt for him.. i told him that but he explain to me that he's not the one for me... n i deserve someone better... wht he said is true but the feelings... why cant i just take it n stuff it some where that i can never find it again...

i know he is closer with this one gal n i am jealous of it... she wrote on his FB that if u love 2 ppl at a time go for the second one cause if u really love the first one you wont fall in love the second time... its so true right...

btw she has a bf.. but she's close with him... so am guessing... n assume ( an ass of u n me...) she has told him that she loves him...

i just wish i can stay away from him... hv no contact with him.. i know its hard.. i know i will cry it out.. but its the right thing to do...  i must never fall in love again... cause its never meant for me.... i hv to stop.. i have to numb that part on me... love is not for me... love is not for me.. love is not for me...!!!!

age!!!

today,  a cousin of mine introduced a guy to me... she just gave him the phone n we spoke like less then 4 min i think...

but only after that i found out he is 25... n i am 27... hmmmmmmmmmm i feel old...

hmm its going to be hard for me to find someone since i am getting old... i prefer someone who is about 33 to 28.. someone matured that me.. someone that i can look up to... someone that know more than me....

but seeing the situation of my culture.. guys then to look for younger gals like age 24 to 26... n i am out of that age group... so am i dome? is there no one for me? will i be a spinster? i think i am hving the spinster symptoms... i get mooody too fast.. too sensitive... too sure of myself... etc so basically i feel that i need to start getting a grip and no more fairy tales for me...no more waiting for prince in shinning Armour.. cause am getting old..

lets hope the numbers go away fast...

http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm

hmmm
it happneing again,,,

always when i am back for the holidays.. the first day will be miserable... i wont know wht to do...
my mind will be running wild.. thinking of sooooooooo many stuff...

now its my weight,,, why cant it go down n stay there...

the highest i hv been was 70++ when i was in high school...
after leaving university,,, that was in 2008 i was 64... i felt great,...i felt like i was on top of the world....

then i went for my posting... n gain 4 kg... i was 68 in 2009
then i started to lose weight.... was 64 back... the had a heart break... n got to be a 62kg.... i was happy..
atleast soemthing good come out of being down...

then it when up 1 kg.. down up down...

now 13 march 2011 i am 65kg...i think or was it 66kg
hmmm i hate it... i feel so fat... my tummy is like bulging... i wish i would get rid of it.... hmmm
so am sitting here.. typing away.. while drinking this herbal tea that helps to burn... it has work before,,,,

my BMI is 23.3.. i am suppose to be in my ideal weight but i feel fat...


maybe i hv fats in the wrong places... lol
i want to be 55kg... or 58kg...
so means i hv to lose 7kgs.... why is it soooooooo hard to just lose 7kgs... arghhhh




i know i should work out... but its my 1st day of my holiday... so i think i will pass...

i just want to get this out of my system n feel good of myself...

as usual i like to write rubbish... but it helps to relax...
so read it for fun... ok?

so happy holidays...!!!!!

am just doing it to myself...!!!!

i posted some nice pictures on the forum... well they were nice to me...
n i was expecting positive responds from them.. but i didnt... no responds today... how sad....
actually i did get 3... but i was like wanting more...

call me sick... maybe i just like the attention.... ah... i think that idiot(my ex told me that after breaking up with me) ( i used to call him idiot for fun welll now i mean it

so not given attention...
i think i am craving for that more... i want ppl to notice me... sick sick sick...
i didnt used to be like this... b4 the whole ex thing... i didnt bother... cause i knew then that i didnt matter to others... i just had to live... but now it bothers me... knowing i dont matter makes me restless... it keeps bugging me... it makes me sad...

but i dont want to be sad.. i dont want to go into depression again... hell no.... it was bad really bad...
now when i see myself then... i feel pity for myself...

but like it is always said... experince makes u more mature... it has... n also more horny lol....

i really like going back to the forum again n again... helps to spice up my day...

ok my horoscope for the week says that as Sagittarius (my ex is a sag) entering my Moon this fri... so it is a good thing for my love life....
the wierd thing... my ex's ex who is now his wife.. is the same horoscope with me... lol
so basically its love in the air for her too n she is very lucky cause she has the "sag" with her

lol.... i hate them... lol.... cause they just broke me to pieces n i dont know how to fix myself... she calls me thier angel... who got broken in the way of helping them.... hmmmm lol...

i think she is the luck one.... i am just full of bad luck....

ok enough of them... i am sad... n my eyes r tearing... i think i should just sleep.... i dont want to be sad... so i just need to sleep. n not think....

i think i will get up at 4in the morning n do work.... better like that...

so nitez....
be good n hv fun

lets hope sleep comes faster than tears...

its new year eve!!

great its new year eve...!!!!
i was positive in the morning...
but now hmmm
my sis just got back... n she quarrel with my dad on the way...
dad left for work...
it seem my dad scolded my sis in front of her friends... well i hv went through that.. i would just cry n then be angry n keep quite the whole day...

but my sis is diffrent.. she is actually planning with my mom to later make my dad's day miserable... hmmm
dad is going to uncle's place for new year's eve party...to get drunk...

mom also not happy with dad going there... but come on lah...
my mom should be calming her not aggravating  it all.. hmmm

i dont know wht's going to happen... i just want a nice new year's eve...  so the new year can start off well...

but let me tell u a secret.... even with all of this.. even if later my sis n dad do quarrel .. they will be ok... very ok... i hv seen that happen many times... its always me... i once didnt talk to my dad 3 days... in the end i cave in.. couldnt take it... (arghhh my crying... hmmm crying on new year's eve)

hmmm i hope this new year comes fast... but let it bring joy n calmness for me n my family!!!

the new year

yes... i am hoping new year comes fast..
i want this year to be gone...
2010
oh wht a year!!!!
it started off great... i fell in love... now well i think i fell into my greastest pit hole... in my lives history...
i like to remember stuff... to hold on to events or anything meaning full in my life...
yet this year i dont... i want ti all gone...
i got hurt n the wound doesnt heal...
it just gets bigger n bigger
i think i am doing it to myself...
hurting myself on purpose... not letting myself to be happy... i dwell on my sorrows again n again...
well a few days ago i made out with his guy R..
it was awesome... it was my first time... i loved everything about it...


but he is just a friend... he.. well lets say is a playboy... lol
but he was nice... we did it all on my pace... i agree to it all... n i am not sad about that...
but disturbing me is that i am getting attached to him..
we agreed on this in the first place... no falling in love... we r just 2 ppl had our hearts broken n now dont believe in love... so we r just out to hv fun...
he has other girlfriends... so he gets his hmmm lets say dose... often lol....
sometimes i think he is just doing me a favor... letting my experience it for once...

he kept on saying to me... u dont fall in love with me if i hug u so tight... he said it twice... i was like... plz lah...
wht if u fall in love with me... lol
that got him quite... lol
well today he is busy with one of his gals...

i wish i could just let go off all... n start fresh,,,,
i am reading this book a hopless romantic...by harriet evans

i can relate to laura... she got dump by this guy who has a gf while he was hving sleepping with her.. he promise he will break up with the gf but didnt when the gf got pregnant...
laura lost it all her job...friends... until she went off with her parents n garandmom on a trip...
it was she escaping...
after my break up... i lost it all too... well not my job... but i didnt do it as i was doing it b4.. i was good at my job...
but in stories.. well there is always a happy ending...
she goes on this trip.. promising herself never to fall easily for any guy.. (well i am doing that now.. i just dont want to do anythign with love now)  but she does... with a marquis- a very rich guy.. she spends time with him...falls in love.. but realizes that it will never work... n leaves him... i understand her.. she was hurt n doesnt want to be hurt again... but she is throwing away something beaituful..
i hvnt finish reading yet...but i am sure they will be together..

she is wants to run away from it .. she comes back home.. get back her job... n is determine to make her life work alone..
i want to be able to do that... to live life... to just continue it.. not hoping for love to come... well let love happen when it does...
but i dont...
i get up in the morning... thinking wht will happen to do.. is it today.. will i find love today...
this is so pathetic...
i need to pull myself together n let myself free..

by the way i am so into horoscope... i kind of life my life on it...
http://www.indastro.com/horoscope/today-leo-zone3.html

well it sound that i will be positive n will focus on work... i am doing it right?
just read my post today lol
well i hope in this last year of the year... i start building the foundation for a better year...
so am off to start my new beginning...
i hope you would too(who ever is reading lol)

problems...

feel bad for my mom...
happines never last for her...

my dad was going to inherit some money from my grandmom.... all was running well.... my mom was happy she thought she cold keep the money as saving for both of them since they didnt save any n spent whtever they had on us...
but now all of sudden my dad's sisters are wanting share.... my mom is angry... n sad...
she took care of my grandmom when she had colon cancer.... my mom had to deal with grandmom's shit....
n my mom wasnt treated well in the beginning of her marriage.... the normal mother n daughter in law problem....

i feel sad for her... she helps ppl a lot...
she would cook... treat them well when they come.... but now they r just taking advantage of her...
i know the money should be shared.... but wht my mom went through is also a lot.... i know she was hoping something in return... yet she did all she could.... she did all those favors full heart...

but now this...
i know this will just cause more trouble.... lets just see wht happen... :(